In my blog post “The Opportunity of Death” I wrote about having to have my ovaries removed. I had a big, fat, oily cyst on one of my ovaries. I was told it was a dermoid cyst, which may have hair, eyes, sweat glands, and teeth. I named it Harold, after one of my favorite movies, Harold and Maude. Maude was my ovary, and Harold was surrounding her embodied as a cyst that was oily, hairy, and possibly had teeth. The kid who played Harold in the movie wasn’t that bad looking, but this was my Harold, and he was ugly. My surgery was scheduled for March 5, and I was as ready as I was ever going to be to have my ovaries removed. And then a miracle happened: My surgeon broke her arm riding a bike. When I got the call that the surgery was canceled because the doctor broke her arm I was thinking, “No! This can’t be happening to me!” The office secretary made it clear that the doctor was not making any plans for future surgeries at this time. “No!” I needed Harold taken out! What was the doctor doing riding her bike! She’s a surgeon; she can’t just go bike riding! I thought to myself, yelled in the car, told everyone who would listen (for example, the cashiers at Safeway). After a couple weeks of trying to figure out what the heck am I supposed to do in this situation, I found another surgeon and scheduled an appointment, which took another three weeks.
The new surgeon checked me out and told me the cyst had shrunk. That meant it was going to go away on its own and I didn’t need surgery. It wasn't a dermoid cyst afer all! It was an amazing turn of events that left me whole! No surgery! I get to keep what I have! It was a miracle! Goodbye Harold! I could have lifted off into the clouds I was so light and happy, but it was more than just feeling fortunate: It was feeling that I was being guided. It’s not like the kind of guidance you get on a tour in Muir Woods, “You’ll notice it is very quiet in the forest because there are no birds. Since the Coastal Redwood trees, the tallest trees in the world, shade the forest floor, flora cannot grow, and birds are attracted to flora, so no flora, no birds.” It’s the kind of guidance that left me in awe. How did all of these unrelated events occur to make this one outcome? And how was it that this outcome was the best for me? Who am I in this great, big world to be graced with so many twists and turns and still end up where I was supposed to be? I don’t know, and I like it that way.
We all like to think we have a certain control over life, but we don’t. We don’t have any control at all really, and nothing makes you more aware of that than an illness, or cancer, or having something removed from your body… You might think that it is bad to have those types of troubles, but it is our troubles that help us find the strength in ourselves to overcome, even when we don’t think we have any strength. You realize that there’s something greater in the world than you and your tiny trouble. Whether you believe in God or Buddah or Allah it makes no difference, because we are all connected in some way, and miracles are a pathway that lead us when we least know where to go. Webster’s defines miracle (noun) as a wonder, marvel, an extraordinary event manifesting divine intervention in human affairs.
They connect us with something bigger than ourselves, with the greatness in ourselves, the world we live in, the spiritual world, and the unknown, even the unimaginable. I’d like more of those experiences. And after that event, I started having them, again and again.
I was hiking in Deer Park in Fairfax when I met a woman and her dog on a trail. She was wearing those shoes that make your butt and thighs look better, which I desperately want for myself, so I asked her about them. While we were walking and talking, we both would kick her dog’s tennis ball so he’d run ahead and bring it back. She told me that she had lost her car keys while hiking. She lived nearby and she was going to walk home and ask her husband to help. I wanted to offer to give her a ride, but her dog was pretty dirty. Our heads were down most of the time kicking the ball to her dog. At the gate to get back to what used to be Deer Park School, I looked up and there were keys on top of the post. “Are those your keys?” They were. I felt like we had been guided by something divine that lead us to talk walk, and find her keys and someone else was guided to put them right there, where we almost didn’t see them. Now she could get home, and back to her life. It was amazing.
On another hike, this time at Limantour Beach in Point Reyes, I came upon a small harbor seal with a pink streak of spray paint on its forehead. It was making its way to the bluffs, far away from the water. There’s no cell phone service there, and the pay phone at the parking lot didn’t work, so I drove back to town. On the way, a young man waved to me to pick him up. His car broken down and he needed a ride home to get help. I picked him up, drove him home, just a few miles away, called 911 about the seal, and they connected me to the Marine Mammal center in Sausalito. I was going to meet someone from the Center back at the beach to show her where the seal was, although I had also given her a description of where it was, but the beach is over 3 miles. After the long drive over the hill to the beach, I couldn’t find her, so I drove back into town. On my voice mail was a message that the woman had found the seal, and she thanked me for her help. I felt like, I didn’t plan any of this, and yet I’m some type of tool being used for a higher purpose to help a seal and a young man whose car broke down. I felt more lit up than a Christmas tree. I was high on happiness, on just plain joy from feeling connected with the world that I was a part of.
The weeks went on and more miracles – I quickly stopped on Highway 4 when I saw a woman walking away from her broken down car. I saw her car, her with a bag in her hand, and I just thought, “I have got to help her!” She was so grateful! I was just running errands on a Saturday; in the right place at the right time. Miracles!
I don’t know how you can create a miracle. I think you have to be open to receiving them. Prayers have helped heal people, which is one way miracles work. This week at church the pastor talked about how God is only a prayer away. Maybe a miracle is a divine spirit’s prayer for you. I know that they are a gift of realization that I am significant, and bring meaning to the grand scheme of life that I am part of. They also bring me awareness that there is guidance in every moment. For me it is also a feeling of awe in knowing that you can’t know everything, and that from even what we do know, is all a mystery. Just because we can name a tree a Coast Redwood, doesn’t mean we know it. The trees in Muir Woods, the harbor seals at Limantour Beach, all have a life of their own. A life we can’t even imagine. I think there’s a place in awareness between appreciating the magnificence of all life, from birds to flora, to harbor seals, to humans, and allowing ourselves just to be in awe, and letting go of the walls that surround us, and the fears that keep us from being really whole, then there’s a moment of grace, when a power greater than ourselves touches us without words, without sound, and guides us to a place that is right, and in that moment we understand the immense beauty, love, joy, delight, awesomeness that is life. That’s a how I would describe a miracle. They happen all around us every day. However they come about, for whatever reason they occur, I have a request for any divine spirit who is listening, please send me more!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Endless Frustrations of Dating
It’s been three years of trying online dating and I have nothing good to say about. So instead, I’m going to offer some insights I have on the subject, because after three years, I’ve learned a lot, even if I haven’t met a man I want to spend my life with, yet.
The first thing I would highly recommend, don’t put too much emphasis on sex, immediately. A guy on my online dating site noted these as his must have’s: his partner has to be above average in looks, she has to want sex regularly, and she has to be intelligent. What is this guy, 16? Has he taken down his Bay Watch posters yet? All that screams “immature” to me, which is such a turn off.
On a first date, over dinner, one guy told me that he had a vasectomy. In case anyone is confused, a vasectomy is not dinner conversation with someone you just met. I mean, what are men thinking? I wonder, what does he think I'm going to say, think, do? Perhaps Gloria Vanderbuilt has that in one of her books. "Don't talk about your phallus at dinner on your first date, unless it's a big one." It was on a second date that another guy told me, because of his age, he couldn't "respond" to me as quickly as he'd like. I'd just have to be patient. What am I going to do? Read a romance novel while we wait for the Viagra to kick in? In whose book is this romance? Even after a year, this still isn't funny. Ugly yes, funny, no. My advice, on the first several dates, try to get to know the person. Let's just leave it at that.
Over the summer, I met Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Handsome who was funny and fun, but after one date he couldn’t meet again. All he wanted to do was text. One excuse was he had to work double shifts all the time, because his ex-wife needed so much money. Guys, I know this sounds crazy, but try not to talk about your ex-wife or ex-girlfriend, or even your ex-pet or ex-trailer home that went to the ex-wife. A potential mate is not interested in your ex and when you talk about her or him, you sound really petty. Instead, do what us women have done for years, pay a therapist to talk about it, even it all your money is going to your ex.
To me it is important for the man I date to eat, regular food, and regular meals. Guys, I am a woman. I have curves, and more curves. I don’t want to date a guy who weighs anywhere close to 100 pounds. I don’t want these double-Ds to knock a guy out or break his bones. I need a guy that eats. Recently a guy wrote, he only eats when he’s hungry so eats less than most people. Oh, wow, that is so – icky! Eating out is fun! I want to enjoy it and I want someone to enjoy it with. I don’t want to hear “I had a big lunch, I’m not hungry.” On the night you have a date, do not eat a big lunch. Come to the "table of love" very hungry!
One question I recently received online was “What do you find physically attractive?” I’m a lady. I’m not going to discuss sex or what turns me on sexually before I even meet a guy. What’s the fun in that? It’s a fact that women need to feel emotionally connected to a man before having sex. A fact! So saying to a woman “I want sex” or “Let’s talk about sex” “are you affectionate?” is not a substitute for the emotional and mental maturity that what women find attractive. Guys, you want to try to connect with the women, and connecting doesn’t happen over “What do you find physically attractive.” For me, what is attractive is a man’s mind. If I like the way he thinks, the way he makes me laugh, the way he can carry on conversation, I’m attracted. How he looks means nothing if he doesn’t have a great personality.
An intelligent man knows how to lead a conversation. I met a guy tonight in line at Safeway and I really enjoyed talking to him, because he knew how to converse. Most men have this little problem of talking about themselves endlessly, without pause, no point, not caring if anyone is paying attention… It’s a lot like they are in a coma, but still talking and their eyes are moving, but they have no actual awareness beyond themselves. This is the ego and the ego only cares about the ego. Please try to hold back the ego and not talk about yourself too much on a date. I’m sure you have some amazing talents, but monopolizing a conversation is just wrong, impolite, boring, and shows how incredibly dense you are. None of those are qualities anyone is looking for in a relationship. And of course, if you are doing all the talking, no bonding is happening.
Confidence is an extremely sexy quality in a man, in my opinion. A lot of men equate confidence with being a know it all, but they aren’t the same things. If I want to learn something, I’ll take a class. When I want to get to know someone, there has to be give and take. For example, the man says something, and then I get to say something. That’s the basis of a conversation, and a conversation is what is going to make a woman feel connected with a man, and potentially lead to sex.
Before you go on a date, try not to assume you are perfect as you are. Perfection is very boring. When we see ourselves honestly, we can better accept ourselves and others. So who looks at themselves honestly? And that’s the big problem with online dating: if a person is not honest with themselves, how can they be honest with you? You might like to be the expert in everything, maybe heard people say you talk too much, and especially about yourself. You know in your heart, that they are really just jealous! So when you go on the date, you talk too much, just about yourself, and you portray yourself as near perfect, everything is great… Those are all red flags that tell the other person, “RUN FAST”! I’d like to suggest, if people have recently or throughout your whole life told you something about yourself that you don’t want to look at, look at it before you go on a date. Just tone it down, say 50%. You want to make a good impression, so what do you have to lose?
Which brings me back to sex. As a woman, and a lady, even if I was Maharati in bed, I’m not going to tell that to a man. See, the moment a woman even mentions sex, the man, because of some crazy hormone, is going to take it to raunchy. So a woman, a lady, even a wild-woman lady, is not likely to bring the subject up. Your job of course, is to help her to bond with you so you can find out what Maharati is like in bed!
I think of sex as an expression of love. Love takes time to develop. I need to like the guy, really like him before I start with affection. I want to see him as special, interesting, exciting, fun… I haven’t even mentioned looks, because chemistry reigns supreme. If there’s no chemistry, nothing else matters. Patti on the “Millionaire Matchmaker” said, “A “7” could be a “10” if you like the person.” A person who might be a “7” in looks could easily be a “10”! I have dated plenty of guys who looked like “4s” and “5s” who were “10s” to me because of their great personality.
One final thing about sex: The second date is a second date! It’s not supposed to be your ticket to “second base.” Who got this idea that date number two equals the key to a woman’s chastity belt, and her heart, all loaded in a box of condoms? Remember guys, women need to feel an emotional connection! I am never going on another second date unless I’m crazy about the guy, because the men I have dated seem to think it’s the “all-sex-live” phase of the relationship – it’s just a second date!
To highlight the key points of this posting: Don't talk about your ex or anything that went or is still going to the ex. If you are taking your date out to dinner, do not have a big lunch that day. Don’t let your ego get in the way and talk way too much about yourself. Don’t lie. Listen to what the other person is saying. Most men I meet online heavily emphasize sex, try to avoid that. Remember, women need to feel a connection before starting a sexual relationship. This is so important for men to understand! Be yourself, perfection is boring, showing a little vulnerability can be hot! Develop a conversation that allows you both to give and get information. Take time to know each other.
We are all works in progress and that is the best approach you can take when getting to know someone. I’ve gotten to know a lot of men, and I am more frustrated with each and every one. So if you are dating like me, online or otherwise, I really have nothing good to say about it. But until I meet my someone special, it looks like I’ll continue in this direction, hoping for the best, and writing about the worst.
The first thing I would highly recommend, don’t put too much emphasis on sex, immediately. A guy on my online dating site noted these as his must have’s: his partner has to be above average in looks, she has to want sex regularly, and she has to be intelligent. What is this guy, 16? Has he taken down his Bay Watch posters yet? All that screams “immature” to me, which is such a turn off.
On a first date, over dinner, one guy told me that he had a vasectomy. In case anyone is confused, a vasectomy is not dinner conversation with someone you just met. I mean, what are men thinking? I wonder, what does he think I'm going to say, think, do? Perhaps Gloria Vanderbuilt has that in one of her books. "Don't talk about your phallus at dinner on your first date, unless it's a big one." It was on a second date that another guy told me, because of his age, he couldn't "respond" to me as quickly as he'd like. I'd just have to be patient. What am I going to do? Read a romance novel while we wait for the Viagra to kick in? In whose book is this romance? Even after a year, this still isn't funny. Ugly yes, funny, no. My advice, on the first several dates, try to get to know the person. Let's just leave it at that.
Over the summer, I met Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Handsome who was funny and fun, but after one date he couldn’t meet again. All he wanted to do was text. One excuse was he had to work double shifts all the time, because his ex-wife needed so much money. Guys, I know this sounds crazy, but try not to talk about your ex-wife or ex-girlfriend, or even your ex-pet or ex-trailer home that went to the ex-wife. A potential mate is not interested in your ex and when you talk about her or him, you sound really petty. Instead, do what us women have done for years, pay a therapist to talk about it, even it all your money is going to your ex.
To me it is important for the man I date to eat, regular food, and regular meals. Guys, I am a woman. I have curves, and more curves. I don’t want to date a guy who weighs anywhere close to 100 pounds. I don’t want these double-Ds to knock a guy out or break his bones. I need a guy that eats. Recently a guy wrote, he only eats when he’s hungry so eats less than most people. Oh, wow, that is so – icky! Eating out is fun! I want to enjoy it and I want someone to enjoy it with. I don’t want to hear “I had a big lunch, I’m not hungry.” On the night you have a date, do not eat a big lunch. Come to the "table of love" very hungry!
One question I recently received online was “What do you find physically attractive?” I’m a lady. I’m not going to discuss sex or what turns me on sexually before I even meet a guy. What’s the fun in that? It’s a fact that women need to feel emotionally connected to a man before having sex. A fact! So saying to a woman “I want sex” or “Let’s talk about sex” “are you affectionate?” is not a substitute for the emotional and mental maturity that what women find attractive. Guys, you want to try to connect with the women, and connecting doesn’t happen over “What do you find physically attractive.” For me, what is attractive is a man’s mind. If I like the way he thinks, the way he makes me laugh, the way he can carry on conversation, I’m attracted. How he looks means nothing if he doesn’t have a great personality.
An intelligent man knows how to lead a conversation. I met a guy tonight in line at Safeway and I really enjoyed talking to him, because he knew how to converse. Most men have this little problem of talking about themselves endlessly, without pause, no point, not caring if anyone is paying attention… It’s a lot like they are in a coma, but still talking and their eyes are moving, but they have no actual awareness beyond themselves. This is the ego and the ego only cares about the ego. Please try to hold back the ego and not talk about yourself too much on a date. I’m sure you have some amazing talents, but monopolizing a conversation is just wrong, impolite, boring, and shows how incredibly dense you are. None of those are qualities anyone is looking for in a relationship. And of course, if you are doing all the talking, no bonding is happening.
Confidence is an extremely sexy quality in a man, in my opinion. A lot of men equate confidence with being a know it all, but they aren’t the same things. If I want to learn something, I’ll take a class. When I want to get to know someone, there has to be give and take. For example, the man says something, and then I get to say something. That’s the basis of a conversation, and a conversation is what is going to make a woman feel connected with a man, and potentially lead to sex.
Before you go on a date, try not to assume you are perfect as you are. Perfection is very boring. When we see ourselves honestly, we can better accept ourselves and others. So who looks at themselves honestly? And that’s the big problem with online dating: if a person is not honest with themselves, how can they be honest with you? You might like to be the expert in everything, maybe heard people say you talk too much, and especially about yourself. You know in your heart, that they are really just jealous! So when you go on the date, you talk too much, just about yourself, and you portray yourself as near perfect, everything is great… Those are all red flags that tell the other person, “RUN FAST”! I’d like to suggest, if people have recently or throughout your whole life told you something about yourself that you don’t want to look at, look at it before you go on a date. Just tone it down, say 50%. You want to make a good impression, so what do you have to lose?
Which brings me back to sex. As a woman, and a lady, even if I was Maharati in bed, I’m not going to tell that to a man. See, the moment a woman even mentions sex, the man, because of some crazy hormone, is going to take it to raunchy. So a woman, a lady, even a wild-woman lady, is not likely to bring the subject up. Your job of course, is to help her to bond with you so you can find out what Maharati is like in bed!
I think of sex as an expression of love. Love takes time to develop. I need to like the guy, really like him before I start with affection. I want to see him as special, interesting, exciting, fun… I haven’t even mentioned looks, because chemistry reigns supreme. If there’s no chemistry, nothing else matters. Patti on the “Millionaire Matchmaker” said, “A “7” could be a “10” if you like the person.” A person who might be a “7” in looks could easily be a “10”! I have dated plenty of guys who looked like “4s” and “5s” who were “10s” to me because of their great personality.
One final thing about sex: The second date is a second date! It’s not supposed to be your ticket to “second base.” Who got this idea that date number two equals the key to a woman’s chastity belt, and her heart, all loaded in a box of condoms? Remember guys, women need to feel an emotional connection! I am never going on another second date unless I’m crazy about the guy, because the men I have dated seem to think it’s the “all-sex-live” phase of the relationship – it’s just a second date!
To highlight the key points of this posting: Don't talk about your ex or anything that went or is still going to the ex. If you are taking your date out to dinner, do not have a big lunch that day. Don’t let your ego get in the way and talk way too much about yourself. Don’t lie. Listen to what the other person is saying. Most men I meet online heavily emphasize sex, try to avoid that. Remember, women need to feel a connection before starting a sexual relationship. This is so important for men to understand! Be yourself, perfection is boring, showing a little vulnerability can be hot! Develop a conversation that allows you both to give and get information. Take time to know each other.
We are all works in progress and that is the best approach you can take when getting to know someone. I’ve gotten to know a lot of men, and I am more frustrated with each and every one. So if you are dating like me, online or otherwise, I really have nothing good to say about it. But until I meet my someone special, it looks like I’ll continue in this direction, hoping for the best, and writing about the worst.
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