It’s been three years of trying online dating and I have nothing good to say about. So instead, I’m going to offer some insights I have on the subject, because after three years, I’ve learned a lot, even if I haven’t met a man I want to spend my life with, yet.
The first thing I would highly recommend, don’t put too much emphasis on sex, immediately. A guy on my online dating site noted these as his must have’s: his partner has to be above average in looks, she has to want sex regularly, and she has to be intelligent. What is this guy, 16? Has he taken down his Bay Watch posters yet? All that screams “immature” to me, which is such a turn off.
On a first date, over dinner, one guy told me that he had a vasectomy. In case anyone is confused, a vasectomy is not dinner conversation with someone you just met. I mean, what are men thinking? I wonder, what does he think I'm going to say, think, do? Perhaps Gloria Vanderbuilt has that in one of her books. "Don't talk about your phallus at dinner on your first date, unless it's a big one." It was on a second date that another guy told me, because of his age, he couldn't "respond" to me as quickly as he'd like. I'd just have to be patient. What am I going to do? Read a romance novel while we wait for the Viagra to kick in? In whose book is this romance? Even after a year, this still isn't funny. Ugly yes, funny, no. My advice, on the first several dates, try to get to know the person. Let's just leave it at that.
Over the summer, I met Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Handsome who was funny and fun, but after one date he couldn’t meet again. All he wanted to do was text. One excuse was he had to work double shifts all the time, because his ex-wife needed so much money. Guys, I know this sounds crazy, but try not to talk about your ex-wife or ex-girlfriend, or even your ex-pet or ex-trailer home that went to the ex-wife. A potential mate is not interested in your ex and when you talk about her or him, you sound really petty. Instead, do what us women have done for years, pay a therapist to talk about it, even it all your money is going to your ex.
To me it is important for the man I date to eat, regular food, and regular meals. Guys, I am a woman. I have curves, and more curves. I don’t want to date a guy who weighs anywhere close to 100 pounds. I don’t want these double-Ds to knock a guy out or break his bones. I need a guy that eats. Recently a guy wrote, he only eats when he’s hungry so eats less than most people. Oh, wow, that is so – icky! Eating out is fun! I want to enjoy it and I want someone to enjoy it with. I don’t want to hear “I had a big lunch, I’m not hungry.” On the night you have a date, do not eat a big lunch. Come to the "table of love" very hungry!
One question I recently received online was “What do you find physically attractive?” I’m a lady. I’m not going to discuss sex or what turns me on sexually before I even meet a guy. What’s the fun in that? It’s a fact that women need to feel emotionally connected to a man before having sex. A fact! So saying to a woman “I want sex” or “Let’s talk about sex” “are you affectionate?” is not a substitute for the emotional and mental maturity that what women find attractive. Guys, you want to try to connect with the women, and connecting doesn’t happen over “What do you find physically attractive.” For me, what is attractive is a man’s mind. If I like the way he thinks, the way he makes me laugh, the way he can carry on conversation, I’m attracted. How he looks means nothing if he doesn’t have a great personality.
An intelligent man knows how to lead a conversation. I met a guy tonight in line at Safeway and I really enjoyed talking to him, because he knew how to converse. Most men have this little problem of talking about themselves endlessly, without pause, no point, not caring if anyone is paying attention… It’s a lot like they are in a coma, but still talking and their eyes are moving, but they have no actual awareness beyond themselves. This is the ego and the ego only cares about the ego. Please try to hold back the ego and not talk about yourself too much on a date. I’m sure you have some amazing talents, but monopolizing a conversation is just wrong, impolite, boring, and shows how incredibly dense you are. None of those are qualities anyone is looking for in a relationship. And of course, if you are doing all the talking, no bonding is happening.
Confidence is an extremely sexy quality in a man, in my opinion. A lot of men equate confidence with being a know it all, but they aren’t the same things. If I want to learn something, I’ll take a class. When I want to get to know someone, there has to be give and take. For example, the man says something, and then I get to say something. That’s the basis of a conversation, and a conversation is what is going to make a woman feel connected with a man, and potentially lead to sex.
Before you go on a date, try not to assume you are perfect as you are. Perfection is very boring. When we see ourselves honestly, we can better accept ourselves and others. So who looks at themselves honestly? And that’s the big problem with online dating: if a person is not honest with themselves, how can they be honest with you? You might like to be the expert in everything, maybe heard people say you talk too much, and especially about yourself. You know in your heart, that they are really just jealous! So when you go on the date, you talk too much, just about yourself, and you portray yourself as near perfect, everything is great… Those are all red flags that tell the other person, “RUN FAST”! I’d like to suggest, if people have recently or throughout your whole life told you something about yourself that you don’t want to look at, look at it before you go on a date. Just tone it down, say 50%. You want to make a good impression, so what do you have to lose?
Which brings me back to sex. As a woman, and a lady, even if I was Maharati in bed, I’m not going to tell that to a man. See, the moment a woman even mentions sex, the man, because of some crazy hormone, is going to take it to raunchy. So a woman, a lady, even a wild-woman lady, is not likely to bring the subject up. Your job of course, is to help her to bond with you so you can find out what Maharati is like in bed!
I think of sex as an expression of love. Love takes time to develop. I need to like the guy, really like him before I start with affection. I want to see him as special, interesting, exciting, fun… I haven’t even mentioned looks, because chemistry reigns supreme. If there’s no chemistry, nothing else matters. Patti on the “Millionaire Matchmaker” said, “A “7” could be a “10” if you like the person.” A person who might be a “7” in looks could easily be a “10”! I have dated plenty of guys who looked like “4s” and “5s” who were “10s” to me because of their great personality.
One final thing about sex: The second date is a second date! It’s not supposed to be your ticket to “second base.” Who got this idea that date number two equals the key to a woman’s chastity belt, and her heart, all loaded in a box of condoms? Remember guys, women need to feel an emotional connection! I am never going on another second date unless I’m crazy about the guy, because the men I have dated seem to think it’s the “all-sex-live” phase of the relationship – it’s just a second date!
To highlight the key points of this posting: Don't talk about your ex or anything that went or is still going to the ex. If you are taking your date out to dinner, do not have a big lunch that day. Don’t let your ego get in the way and talk way too much about yourself. Don’t lie. Listen to what the other person is saying. Most men I meet online heavily emphasize sex, try to avoid that. Remember, women need to feel a connection before starting a sexual relationship. This is so important for men to understand! Be yourself, perfection is boring, showing a little vulnerability can be hot! Develop a conversation that allows you both to give and get information. Take time to know each other.
We are all works in progress and that is the best approach you can take when getting to know someone. I’ve gotten to know a lot of men, and I am more frustrated with each and every one. So if you are dating like me, online or otherwise, I really have nothing good to say about it. But until I meet my someone special, it looks like I’ll continue in this direction, hoping for the best, and writing about the worst.
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