Signs of Life

More and more as I drive around town I see people on street corners holding up signs exclaiming an amazing sale I shouldn’t miss. Some days it seems these people are everywhere. Each time I see one of these sign holders I think, “That is life.” That’s why I look, because that person is a living human being and I can see their light that is life. But then that’s my choice. I think most people see these sales people and think less of them for having a job that makes them stand on a street corner instead of working in a plush office.

I will never stop wanting to gaze at the miracle that life is. In a world where so much importance is put on things, these people remind me that first, we are all people. We all need to eat, sleep, we need love, hope, we all dream of a better life for ourselves and our families. How can we ignore that in each other? How could we put things above the light of a human spirit standing before us?

I often say to myself, “I want to shine.” I want to shine in my job, in my writing, in playing tennis - I want my light to shine in this world. And when I see the light shining in myself, I see it shine brighter in others. The light that is within us is in all of us all of the time, but it is up to us to become conscious of that light and consciousness is a choice. How easy is it for all of us to judge someone on what they have? Using things to raise ourselves above others is all about the ego and its need for recognition. But the ego is only looking out for the ego. Awareness and consciousness rely on our higher intelligence and our ability to derive meaning. In turn, it feeds our spirit and with that our ability to be compassionate.

The word, “Namaste,” which is a common greeting in South Asia can be translated into "The light within me honors the light within you." When was the last time you saw the light of someone? When was the last time you saw the light in yourself?

As the days grow shorter and we move into the holidays, the darkness calls on us to look at the light inside ourselves to share it with those we love and care about. We can make a conscious choice to see the light of life in others, by simply recognizing that their light that shines in this world. All of us are miracles. All of our lives matter. The signs of life are all around you, if you choose to see them.

It's What You Say

People can be very clever with what they say and think they are making you believe that they are their words. Recently, a woman at work told me that she had a stronger work ethic than me. She said, “I would resign myself if I wasn’t doing my best.” She mentioned this when I was talking to her about a problem I was having with another coworker. It was clever of her to slide in an arrogant remark, meant to impress me and insult me at the same time. When I started talking about my cancer she said, “That’s treatable.” She made it clear that she knew everything. In what she said there was always a wall that kept her arrogance far from my humanness. And she did it all with words. It was simply what she said.
I belong to a support group of cancer patients. It’s been one of the most amazing parts of having cancer because I have become part of a community. We help each other, we laugh together, we try to solve simple and complex problems, We share our fears, joys, successes… This exchange of thoughts and feelings creates a deep, rich, wonderful connection that is so satisfying. By sharing my deepest feelings and by others sharing theirs, we experience "intimacy" as group. I feel like they actually know me and I can’t say that about many people. Yet, at the same time, I know very little of the superficial things about them. Everything is turned around: We are close in the closest ways, and superficial in the superficial things. We don’t ask each other what do you do for a living or what kind of car do you drive or where have you traveled to this year – those things don’t matter – such things will never create a real bond between people. This group provides me with the human experience I wanted in life – to share real feelings and completely be myself with a group of people where we all accept each other for who we are.
When my mom died a friend of mine gave me a book on grieving. I was in such shock that I was in shock that I didn’t really know how to deal with her death, but the book was exactly what I needed. I took time to cherish that my friend, “Gave this to me to help me. She wants to help me.” Knowing I had a friend helped me feel safe in the face of death, but to have a friend who really thought about me, what I needed, what it must be like to lose a parent, a friend who wanted to help me, was the start of my healing process. It was like someone had wrapped a blanket around me and said, you are going to be OK. And I could believe it because of her friendship had already helped me.
Words are an important way to communicate, but communication more than the words we say. The words have to show what we mean, what our intentions are, and show some truth about us. Those things are a big part of what we say and easily forgotten when the speaker conveys certainty or demands attention. One of the blessings of cancer for me is that I can better see people who just use words as a means to convince me of something, usually some lie. The woman who said she had a better work ethic than me, spent that afternoon clipping her nails at her desk. She isn’t fooling me or impressing me with statements about who she wants me to think she is. She appeared unbelievable, unreliable, and selfish. She did help to remind me that I want to share my life with people who have experienced life, who live richly, who value people, honor the individual, and who stand behind the words they say.

Why Are Things Like This?

You know that we are dying. I think about it more since I was diagnosed with cancer. Because I think more about dying, I think more about living and what I want to make of my life. I suppose there's still time for a once-in-a -lifetime love, a moment of greatness, or even a chance to change the world. It's this last one I want so much: the chance to make a difference. I think about that as much as life itself. But what happens for me is, life gets in the way.

I just found out that I owe almost $2000 in taxes. Then there's a bill for my recent mammogram, another bill for a visit with my surgeon, and another bill for a visit with my oncologist and I have to pay all of these because they are part of my deductible. Why are things like this? How can it be that in one moment I owe thousands of dollars that days ago, belonged to me? I have health insurance, I save money, I'm barely part of the middle class, but this immediate demand for my money, not to mention my regular bills, rent, new tires for my car... has made me feel completely overwhelmed.

It made me think how easy it would be to become homeless. After all, rent is my biggest expense, and without a job, I couldn't pay for any of these expenses. Did I mention it's overwhelming? Then I go back to the cancer, and how this moment is really the only moment we have. I had a glass of wine, a sweet Riesling (it's been in my fridge since last October), ate a healthy dinner of salmon, rice, and broccoli, and had a kiwi for dessert with a bunch of chocolate and I laughed. I laughed about my house being a mess, I laughed about this cold weather, I laughed about another movie staring Angelina Jolie, I laughed with my father over a long phone conversation, and to myself, and I told myself everything is going to be OK. It's going to be just fine. I have to keep thinking about my health and being well, not being too stressed, and just being alive. It's really something to just be alive. In our day-to- day existence that's where we make the greatest difference - from how we treat others to how we treat ourselves - we affect those around us and the world around us. I don't know why things are like that, but when I see the world this way, I am happy with the way things are right now.

Tales of Narcissism

Sometimes it seems like everyone is a narcissist: "Look at me!" they say. I honestly believe that these are the most boring people in the world. It's as if the more a person thinks they are the best, the more boring they are. Recently, I was interviewing a man about his past. He rewrote my notes, for grammar, and it turns out that past tense and present tense were the same to him. He constantly contradicted himself, but if I pointed this out, he'd raise his voice and talk in all capital letters. Did you know that the louder you talk the more correct you are? I could not wait to get out of this arrangement that I had made, and it wasn't easy. He walked me to my car, rubbed his finger on a spot of bird poop on my car's windshield and licked his finger. "I have more I could tell you!" He said. Although he was an elderly man, I really felt like I was leaving a child. It was awful. I can't even trust if what he told me was true because he was so narcissistic. And I thought he'd be reasonable.

Later, I got an email response from my aunt. I had written her to tell her I was thinking about her and just wanted to say hi. She wrote back and wanted me to know that her grandchildren are in the 98 percentile of the smartest children in the nation. Who cares? How has that ever made a difference?! Did Gandhi make this claim?

I spent the rest of the weekend hiking. What a contrast the clean, spring air was compared to the shouting of a self-centered, grouchy old guy and... I could hear my own voice, and see the world for myself. I could walk as far away as I wanted. On my path were so many amazing things: a grey squirrel sitting on a post eating a nut, a rough-skinned newt walking carefully through the tall spring grasses, blooming buckbush that smelled as sweet as time that only the sky can measure. I saw flowers that were red and shaped like Christmas trees growing in between ferns. It was all so beautiful. And it meant something! It mattered! It is a place we can all go to and enjoy. It is a place I will always seek out when I want to see what is right in the world, especially when everything and everyone seems so very wrong.

A Spider and Worms

I was gardening at my brother’s house the other day and opened the passenger side door of my car to get my water bottle when what do you think I see? A spider, sitting on the passenger seat like it’s waiting for me to take it for drive through the country somewhere, maybe Sonoma or Glen Ellen. Immediately I realized who had been bitting me for the last few days. And now it wants to go for more rides? I don’t think so. Anyway, after being pulled away from a garden blessed with worms, I took off my left boot and tried to get the tan colored little eight-legged guy into my boot – I didn’t want to mess up the seat with guts and blood – which would have included mine. The spider wouldn’t move. After some forceful shoving that made it look like he got even smaller (they always play dead), I got him in my boot and vigourously shook it out over the grass. Next time I garden, I’m taking my water bottle with me the first time.

Finding Your Prime

I'm always collecting quotes that I like. The other day I saw a quote that I didn't like: the author said that we must be aware of our prime. I started thinking about "my prime" and figured it must have been my 20s. Then I started thinking, my prime in what? And I decided that there is no prime. There are days and nights and there is each moment within those that makes up life. We can do something brilliant on a good day and the next not even remember ever doing anything brilliant. I think our prime is when we know the greatness there is in our life right now: the awe that is just part of being alive, now, in this place, with these people, in this body. In our world we have freedom to move from place to place, buy a cup of coffee, listen to our breath, our heart beating, the rain falling.... One moment at a time. That's being in our prime. That's the now of living. Writing this has been another prime moment in my life of living.