You know that we are dying. I think about it more since I was diagnosed with cancer. Because I think more about dying, I think more about living and what I want to make of my life. I suppose there's still time for a once-in-a -lifetime love, a moment of greatness, or even a chance to change the world. It's this last one I want so much: the chance to make a difference. I think about that as much as life itself. But what happens for me is, life gets in the way.
I just found out that I owe almost $2000 in taxes. Then there's a bill for my recent mammogram, another bill for a visit with my surgeon, and another bill for a visit with my oncologist and I have to pay all of these because they are part of my deductible. Why are things like this? How can it be that in one moment I owe thousands of dollars that days ago, belonged to me? I have health insurance, I save money, I'm barely part of the middle class, but this immediate demand for my money, not to mention my regular bills, rent, new tires for my car... has made me feel completely overwhelmed.
It made me think how easy it would be to become homeless. After all, rent is my biggest expense, and without a job, I couldn't pay for any of these expenses. Did I mention it's overwhelming? Then I go back to the cancer, and how this moment is really the only moment we have. I had a glass of wine, a sweet Riesling (it's been in my fridge since last October), ate a healthy dinner of salmon, rice, and broccoli, and had a kiwi for dessert with a bunch of chocolate and I laughed. I laughed about my house being a mess, I laughed about this cold weather, I laughed about another movie staring Angelina Jolie, I laughed with my father over a long phone conversation, and to myself, and I told myself everything is going to be OK. It's going to be just fine. I have to keep thinking about my health and being well, not being too stressed, and just being alive. It's really something to just be alive. In our day-to- day existence that's where we make the greatest difference - from how we treat others to how we treat ourselves - we affect those around us and the world around us. I don't know why things are like that, but when I see the world this way, I am happy with the way things are right now.
