Today has been a busy social day, and I'm not a social person. I had breakfast with some friends, then stopped at another friend's open house, then met some people through meetup.com. It was a lot of people time, which is what I think I have to do if I ever want to meet a man ("You have to get out there"), but it wasn't really what I wanted to do, and I didn't meet any eligible men either.
At breakfast, the woman sitting next to me didn't like blonds - I'm a blond. I have blond hair like my Russian father, who looks like his Russian mother, who looked like her Russian grandmother... This woman recently lost her husband in a motorcycle accident. I understand that she's struggling with grief, and sometimes when we grieve, we revert to our "base emotions". We are more reactive, and less reflective. I understand she's struggling, and hurting, I just didn't want to be the brunt of her hurt.
People like to remind me all the time that you create the world around you, and I believe it, mostly. I don't believe I created myself sitting next to a grieving woman who hates blonds. And later at the open house, when no one wanted to talk to me, I didn't create that either, but it hurts. It hurts when you go to a party, and the host is busy, and the guests are talking, and no one wants to talk to you. I'm always alone, so the couples who are always sitting or standing within a fingers length of each other, do not want to talk to me. I'm a blond after all, and I'm alone. I was showing some cleavage too - OK - that I created! I'm sure they thought it would be better to ignore me. I don't believe I created that. I ended up having a good time, but I wonder why people are so unfriendly - especially at a party - when we are there to celebrate. No, I didn't create that either.
The highlight of my day was driving to the breakfast. When I turned onto highway 680 going south, the view of Mount Diablo was spectacular. The thin clouds above the mountain opened up to let in the sun that was hidden above them, resulting in beams of ethereal light streaming through. Each beam of light focused on a different part of the mountain: the blond hills, the Black Diamond mine, the peak. For just an instant the light, gentle, warm, and loving, reminded me of the presence of God. Reminded me that God is all around us. And I am part of God, and this world.
For only a brief moment, which had nothing to do with people, I was moved by light shining through the clouds, on a mountain, on a morning before the rain. Simple. I wish I had more moments like that. Moments when I felt so connected to the earth, to life, to what really matters. Moments when the color of my hair, my sex, or my smile don't result an imagined betrayal by others.
I don't think I'm asking for much in the world: respect, appreciation, love, health, happiness. Of all the people I met today, I felt separate from most of them, but the air, the clouds, the sun, the beauty of nature embraced me and made me feel whole, if only for an instant. And never in that instant did I think, I created this. But I loved being a part of something, and the feelings that ran through me from seeing one instant of spectacular beauty. It is my choice to remember this moment, to see true beauty, and connect on a deep, spiritual level.