Five Good Friends

A wise woman recently told me, “If when you die you have had five good friends, really good friends, you will have lived a rich life.” I agree with her. These days, when “friends” are simply the numbers that you collect on your Facebook page, I realize how precious good friends are. The kind of friends you can tell anything to, “I have cancer”, “I feel so alone”, “I’m a sex addict”, “I’m broke.”, “He doesn’t love me.”… And that friend will listen, care, even help, and then they stay in your life despite the darkest fears that shadow your soul.

How does anyone find these friends? So often I find women who I think are amazing, only to find out later, they were just pretending. One friend I had, Maddy, was so much fun, had a great personality, and had sex with all these guys, even though she was married. I was single and I never met men, but she could not stop meeting them. I wish she had given me some advice or support or encouragement. There could only be one love life, and that was hers.

Recently, I let a friend go named Cathy. She seemed to have a lot of soul and depth, but it was just an act. Again, the only person who mattered was her. When it came to me needing her support because I was moving and depressed, she didn’t care. And that was supposed to be OK with me, but it wasn’t. I spent so much time with her, and I thought she was kind, but she became as rude as her mother accused her of being. One year of my time and energy gone, for what?

How do you keep friends? I care about my friends, no I really love, yes love my friends. But I don’t get that back. I feel a lot of uncertainty from friends. They aren’t willing to extend even a complete sentence between us to create a bridge of acceptance. Why? What will happen? When I’ve been in love with men, I’ve never regretted it. But women are so insecure about friendship. And they lie. They pretend to be who they think you want them to be. And they want you to pay attention just to them. That's not friendship. Not the friendship I want. The only person I want to answer to is myself and God. I sound so high-minded, so idealistic, then where did I go so wrong with people? How did I go so wrong with finding friends?

The one good friend I’ve had for a while now, has a husband who simply cannot control his desire to make fun of me in some way. I think anyone who needs to put another person down is unhappy with themselves. Let’s just state for the record what we all know: He doesn’t like himself. And I know that by how he treats me. Fortunately, I see him only once or twice a year and the last time was just recently, so at least for awhile I have one less person who wants to dump on me the ugliness they feel inside.

It doesn’t seem like enough: Five good friends in a lifetime. I don’t think I’ll find that many. I wish I could say I already knew that many friends who I could trust to hear these words and really understand me. Understand how lonely it is to be without close friends. Not husbands or lovers, but good friends. I find people are caught up in their “doing” and “done” “I’m doing this now. I did this last week….” It doesn’t matter that much. I wish I knew, how I could find one person who wants to stay in my life, allowing the time together to pass. I’d like to see that friend look at me and know that they see the person I know myself to be. A good friend. Someone who takes the time to listen, to care, and to stay friends with me, through our lives together, no matter what.