Tales of Narcissism

Sometimes it seems like everyone is a narcissist: "Look at me!" they say. I honestly believe that these are the most boring people in the world. It's as if the more a person thinks they are the best, the more boring they are. Recently, I was interviewing a man about his past. He rewrote my notes, for grammar, and it turns out that past tense and present tense were the same to him. He constantly contradicted himself, but if I pointed this out, he'd raise his voice and talk in all capital letters. Did you know that the louder you talk the more correct you are? I could not wait to get out of this arrangement that I had made, and it wasn't easy. He walked me to my car, rubbed his finger on a spot of bird poop on my car's windshield and licked his finger. "I have more I could tell you!" He said. Although he was an elderly man, I really felt like I was leaving a child. It was awful. I can't even trust if what he told me was true because he was so narcissistic. And I thought he'd be reasonable.

Later, I got an email response from my aunt. I had written her to tell her I was thinking about her and just wanted to say hi. She wrote back and wanted me to know that her grandchildren are in the 98 percentile of the smartest children in the nation. Who cares? How has that ever made a difference?! Did Gandhi make this claim?

I spent the rest of the weekend hiking. What a contrast the clean, spring air was compared to the shouting of a self-centered, grouchy old guy and... I could hear my own voice, and see the world for myself. I could walk as far away as I wanted. On my path were so many amazing things: a grey squirrel sitting on a post eating a nut, a rough-skinned newt walking carefully through the tall spring grasses, blooming buckbush that smelled as sweet as time that only the sky can measure. I saw flowers that were red and shaped like Christmas trees growing in between ferns. It was all so beautiful. And it meant something! It mattered! It is a place we can all go to and enjoy. It is a place I will always seek out when I want to see what is right in the world, especially when everything and everyone seems so very wrong.

A Spider and Worms

I was gardening at my brother’s house the other day and opened the passenger side door of my car to get my water bottle when what do you think I see? A spider, sitting on the passenger seat like it’s waiting for me to take it for drive through the country somewhere, maybe Sonoma or Glen Ellen. Immediately I realized who had been bitting me for the last few days. And now it wants to go for more rides? I don’t think so. Anyway, after being pulled away from a garden blessed with worms, I took off my left boot and tried to get the tan colored little eight-legged guy into my boot – I didn’t want to mess up the seat with guts and blood – which would have included mine. The spider wouldn’t move. After some forceful shoving that made it look like he got even smaller (they always play dead), I got him in my boot and vigourously shook it out over the grass. Next time I garden, I’m taking my water bottle with me the first time.

Finding Your Prime

I'm always collecting quotes that I like. The other day I saw a quote that I didn't like: the author said that we must be aware of our prime. I started thinking about "my prime" and figured it must have been my 20s. Then I started thinking, my prime in what? And I decided that there is no prime. There are days and nights and there is each moment within those that makes up life. We can do something brilliant on a good day and the next not even remember ever doing anything brilliant. I think our prime is when we know the greatness there is in our life right now: the awe that is just part of being alive, now, in this place, with these people, in this body. In our world we have freedom to move from place to place, buy a cup of coffee, listen to our breath, our heart beating, the rain falling.... One moment at a time. That's being in our prime. That's the now of living. Writing this has been another prime moment in my life of living.